Friday, November 04, 2011

Confession of a hypocrite

I find the need to be real. One of the real dangers of the internet and creating a journal online or being a part of FB (aka. the Passion Pit) is that we often times don't show the world our true self. We often, without realizing it, only show our best days, or even that which we wish we could have. Oh I know you all know of this danger. It's really old news that we've all talked about before. It's safe to show the best. We know no one will think ill of us. But I don't think we intentionally only show our best and today I feel the need to be real. Mostly I hope to find that maybe, just maybe, I will find that I am not alone. Deep down inside I know that I am not alone, but it's hard to see that.

I've become increasingly aware of the fact that I have lived a profoundly pharisaical life. I looked up the word hypocrite:

Definition of HYPOCRITE


: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion


: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

Yep, that's me.

I'm sure many others have known this about me for quite some time, but for me to fully grasp this has taken, well, all my life. The scales have slowly fallen from my eyes and it's not pretty and rather painful to see how hypocritical I've lived.
I remember almost 2 years ago when I was helping someone homeschool another family. They came into my home every day to do school with us. It was one of the hardest things in the world for me because suddenly my safe haven was taken away from me. The place I felt I could be free to be who I was and suddenly I had to be "perfect" even in my own home. Talk about facades. That's the time the first set of scales fell off.
But most recently the scales have fallen off to reveal the hypocrisy of something completely different but hypocrisy nonetheless. It doesn't really matter what it is but just the fact that I have this whole set of beliefs that I profess but do not live my life according to those beliefs.

It makes it difficult for those around me to respect and trust me. And this is truly the most painful thing that one can open their eyes to. But I believe it is one of the best.

There is a song by BarlowGirl called “I need you to love me” and it has really ministered to my empty heart lately. The first verse says…

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.

The line I bolded is exactly what I was talking about. It is the pain that we feel that opens our eyes to the truth. And with truth, hopefully, comes growth.

By finally seeing the truth I pray that I can finally, with a trueness not seen before, bow before God as the publican did. “And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner.”

Kontakion, tone 4: Let us avoid the proud speaking of the Pharisee and learn humility from the groans of the Publican, and let us cry in penitence: O Saviour of the world, be merciful to Thy servants.


Xenia Kathryn said...

Hey Susan-Sophia,
This is a very incredible post. It takes a lot of guts to share this, especially on the internet, where it's so easy to put on facades.
I hope you and your family are okay? Hang in there...
Much love in Christ,
Xenia Katie

Mimi said...

You know, sometimes I think that we move along, noting the slight things and all of the sudden God grants us the grace to see a big thing and we have to integrate how this revelation about ourselves goes into us and our spiritual life.

Having said that, you are one of the most amazing people I know. It was so lovely to see you recently, and I want you to know that I think the world of you. Hugs

Fr. Vasilli Hartline said...

Hello Sophia,

I couldn't find an email address for you so I decided to leave a comment. I have enjoyed visiting both of your blogs.

I grew up on a farm and miss it terribly!

I have always thought that an Orthodox communal farm would be a grand experiment. May God bless you in your efforts.

Fr. Vasilli