Friday, February 18, 2011

Depression or midlife crisis?

...or plan old selfishness?

Each day I am faced with a mountain of tasks. I must teach my children in math, reading and writing. I must do laundry and cook 3 healthy meals on very little money. I must teach the children to pick up after themselves and to do tedious weekly chores and to take care of the poultry.

With all these things comes a litany of complaints and moans and whines of great injustice.

Over the last year, and ever so more evident in the last few months, I find that I do not look forward to this any longer.

I feel frozen. I feel as if I cannot nor do I want to hear it anymore. I don't want to hear the constant complaining when I try to teach or expect cleanliness nor the constant dissatisfaction in the food on the table.

I've had this dreaded feeling for months that I have not been able to put my finger on. At first I thought it was depression or the lack of organization in my life, but I think it really is just the fact that no matter what I do for my family, no matter how hard I work at things, no one is ever happy with what I do. There is always someone there to complain about something.

I lay this out here because I am hoping with all my heart that I am not alone. That someone out there knows what this feeling is. That someone will pray for me and maybe even have some sort of secret advice that will help me get through this. But maybe it is depression or lack of parenting skills. I don't know, but would love some words of wisdom and prayer.

Thank you for listening and for your prayers.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Seventeen Years Ago...

...ago today, my beloved sang me song HE wrote, bended a knee and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.

I said, yes!

I Love You, James Mark Ferrenberg!