Prayer Request

My dad has been through the wringer over the last several years. Back in 2006 and 2007 he fought throat cancer. I asked for prayers, for body and soul.
Last summer he had a heart attack and we went to visit. Prayers were asked, for body and soul.
Just about a month ago, he had open heart surgery, a double by-pass. He was doing great! Until yesterday.
But it is completely unrelated to his heart.
He went to the emergency room because he kept falling down. He said he was so weak. So they did a scan. What they found was completely accidental. They found lesions on his liver. He knows nothing. He hasn't seen the oncologist yet. He didn't even call us, his children. He wasn't going to call us until he saw the oncologist, which is today. But in a very round about way, which I am still sifting through the emotions of, I found out via the "Passion Pit" (FB). Apparently, his wife told one of her daughters and so it goes on. My dad was shocked and upset about my call, knowing about this before he got a chance to tell us himself. I was shocked and upset to learn about this in this manner.
But now I know. He doesn't know anything; treatment, prognosis, etc. We should learn today.
I know enough to know that if it be cancer, it isn't good.
Right now, I beg of your prayers for a man who I believe God is trying to wake up.
May he wake up and see God, the Comforter, the Spirit of Truth, Who art everywhere and fillest all things!
His name is David.

Addendum: I learned that his appointment with the oncologist isn't actually until Tuesday, May 31st. Thank you for your prayers.

They grow too fast.

I want my googly-eyed babies back that love my whole being.

Needing a Reminder

I need to read this book again.
I need a reminder.
Life is too short.
They grow up too fast.
Soon I'll be alone in this big ol' house.
And the silence will be eerie.
Take a deep breath.
Say a prayer.
Continue.

1,000 Gifts

One Thousand Gifts

by Ann Voskamp

This book is brought to me at just the right moment. The moment when God knew I was ready to hear the words within. For months now, maybe longer, I've been telling Fr. C that I want to find joy. I don't understand why it is that I can't see joy, feel joy, have joy. It should be easy. I'm living the life that I've always wanted. A husband with 4 beautiful children. A home in the country with some animals. The ability and desire to stay home and home school. All these things were a dream and now alive. So where is the joy? I have been wondering, searching, praying, crying, needing.

Yesterday this book arrives via the Kitsap Regional Library system. I requested it, they ordered it and now I can read it. I know it's about gifts, God's gifts. About blessings. But what I don't know is that within the first 3 chapters Ann will help me to find the answer to the questions I have been asking. She will open my eyes to what I've needed to know for a long time. And I finally have hope that I will soon find this joy God speaks of.

Not only that, she knows how I feel. She used to wake each day in a similar manner. It's comforting to read the words from another woman as she shares how she feels and those feelings are exactly the same as mine.

For years of mornings, I have woken wanting to die. Life itself twists into nightmare. For years, I have pulled the covers up over my head, dreading to begin another day I'd be bound to wreck. Years, I lie listening to the taunt of names ringing off my interior walls, ones from the past that never drifted far and away: Loser. Mess. Failure. They are signs nailed overhead, nailed through me, naming me.

Funny, this. Yesterday morning, the morning before, all these mornings, I wake to the discontent of life in my skin. I wake to self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing. Always, the failing. I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning toilets. I live tired. Afraid. Anxious. Weary. Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes. Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough? But this morning, I wake wildly wanting to live. Physically feeling it in the veins trembling, the hard pant of the lungs, the seeing it in the steady stars, how much I really want to really live. How I don't want to die. Is that the message of nightmares and dreams? To live either fully alive...or in empty nothingness?

She searches, looking deep, prays, reads and longs for an answer to how to live fully. She finds her answer in the word eucharisteo. It's all there, deep within the meaning of the word. Thanksgiving, Grace, Joy!

Deeper still the meaning comes with more reading of scripture. She is finding the mystery of what eucharisteo is all about. What is this thanksgiving really all about? This joy? And she is sharing this with us.

That might be what the quest for more is all about—that which Autustine claimed, “Without exception...all try their hardest to reach the same goal, that is, joy.”

And this was it; I could tell how my whole being responded to that one word. I longed for more life, for more holy joy.

She digs deeper still and finds meaning, deeper meaning, in the parable of the 10 lepers who are healed and only one returns to give thanks. He is made well, even after he was healed. What does this mean? She reads, prays, questions and finds answers. She shares.

I would never experience the fullness of my salvation until I expressed the fullness of my thanks for every day, and eucharisteo is elemental to living the saved life.

I am having a hard time deciding what parts to quote and what not to. I find I want to write it all. It's so profound. It's so from God to me. I can't just pick one little piece or even several because it all goes together. You need to read it. You need to see what she means when she dug deeper into Luke 17, or when she discovered the deeper meaning of eucharisteo. Or what began to happen when she started counting towards one thousand, seeing the gifts in her every day.

What will happen if I start to count. If I begin to live out the fullest expression of my salvation in Christ by taking everything in my life and returning to Jesus, falling at His feet and thanking Him?

Depression or midlife crisis?

...or plan old selfishness?

Each day I am faced with a mountain of tasks. I must teach my children in math, reading and writing. I must do laundry and cook 3 healthy meals on very little money. I must teach the children to pick up after themselves and to do tedious weekly chores and to take care of the poultry.

With all these things comes a litany of complaints and moans and whines of great injustice.

Over the last year, and ever so more evident in the last few months, I find that I do not look forward to this any longer.

I feel frozen. I feel as if I cannot nor do I want to hear it anymore. I don't want to hear the constant complaining when I try to teach or expect cleanliness nor the constant dissatisfaction in the food on the table.

I've had this dreaded feeling for months that I have not been able to put my finger on. At first I thought it was depression or the lack of organization in my life, but I think it really is just the fact that no matter what I do for my family, no matter how hard I work at things, no one is ever happy with what I do. There is always someone there to complain about something.

I lay this out here because I am hoping with all my heart that I am not alone. That someone out there knows what this feeling is. That someone will pray for me and maybe even have some sort of secret advice that will help me get through this. But maybe it is depression or lack of parenting skills. I don't know, but would love some words of wisdom and prayer.

Thank you for listening and for your prayers.

Seventeen Years Ago...

...ago today, my beloved sang me song HE wrote, bended a knee and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.



I said, yes!

I Love You, James Mark Ferrenberg!

Disgusted and Sad

In the checkout line today at the store I happened to glimpse at the newest Seventeen magazine cover. Don't ask why, I have no idea!!! I wish I hadn't. But apparently I have glanced at one in about 20 years because I am disgusted at what I saw. It saddens my heart to see what it is that "they" are saying to our CHILDREN these days! I used to subscribe to this magazine 25+ years ago. It saddens my heart that this is totally acceptable by moms and dads all over. Tell me what you think of the headlines of this magazine.



After I published the post and reread it, I noticed that you can't really see some of the titles. So I must point out to you the most astonishing of them all, because you cannot see it.
"Love and Sex Secrets: What they no one tells you about your first time."

Yes, and this is published for TEENAGERS of all ages!

Chores

Chores are never very fun, but they are a necessity in life. Work is inevitable regardless of whether or not it is at home or away.
I do not believe I grew up learning very good self-discipline. I find myself struggling with "chores" all the time...household and organization. I also find it easier to just do the jobs myself rather than have the children do them. I wonder if it is because of my perfectionist attitude and that I want it done right. But what I am finding is that the workload is becoming unbearable and stacking up, the clutter is overwhelming and my kids are becoming me (undisciplined). Blech!
Oh, I've read books and blogs and stories. I KNOW I ought to be teaching them to do it themselves, consistently on a daily basis. I KNOW! So why don't I do it?
Because I am undisciplined! Okay, so I've developed this incredible vicious circle that goes around and around and doesn't get anywhere.
I've discovered for sanity's sake I NEED to learn how to break free of this circle and begin moving forward. One of my deepest desires is to teach my children to become disciplined in their every day tasks so that they too, won't spend their days overwhelmed.

Wisdom of Sirach:
22:1-3 A lazy man may be compared to a filthy stone, And everyone hisses at his dishonor. A lazy man may be compared to the filth of manure; Everyone who picks it up will shake it off his hand. The disgrace of a father is begetting an undisciplined son, and a foolish daughter is born to his loss.
26:16 Like the sun rising in the Lord's heaven is the beauty of a good wife in the ordering of her house.
Proverbs 22:29 Do you see a man who excels in his work? He will stand before kings; He will not stand before unknown men.

How have you broken free from this vicious cycle, if you were trapped in one? How have you endeavored to teach your children to be orderly and disciplined? Do you have any favorite scriptures that have encouraged you through this process?
I know I do not have a huge audience on here (maybe only get 3-4 hits a day), but I'd love to hear from you. You could even ask around and see what answers you may get.

I look forward to hearing from you.

My amazing 8 year old teaches me a lesson on fighting the passions!

This morning I was having some cuddle time with my joyful, loving 8 year old son Joseph. He is truly a light in the dark world on most days! He is always joyful! Most of the time he is seen skipping about through life, humming or singing as goes. He's always ready to give hugs to anyone he knows! What joy!
This morning we were talking about sin and what it is because he is preparing for his first confession. After a good long talk and cuddling he says to me, "One time I felt this anger rising in me. It was after Nicho or some did something mean to me, I can't remember exactly." ( He motions with his hands, starting low on his body and moving his hand up towards his chest.) "But I decided 'no thanks' and I pushed it back down." (Pushing his hand back down.) I asked him, "How do you do that?"
He says, "Just ignore it."

Quote for me.

Man seeks joy and happiness in heaven. He seeks what is eternal far from everyone and everything. He seeks to find joy in God. God is a mystery. He is silence. He is infinite. He is everything.
Turn your mind towards Him continually. Learn to love prayer, familiar converse with the Lord. What counts above all is love, passionate love for the Lord, for Christ the Bridegroom. Become worthy of Christ's love. In order to not live in darkness, turn on the switch of prayer so that divine light may flood your soul. Christ will appear in the depths of your being. There, in the deepest and most inward part, is the Kingdom of God. The Kingdom of God is within you.

Wounded By Love: The Life and the Wisdom of Elder Porphyrios

Please Pray!!!

Back in August I wrote about our trip to MN/WI and our visit to my cousins farm.
Today I found out that the barn with all the cows in it (the one pictured in that post), burned down! No one was hurt, but they've lost everything...this was their livelihood!
Please pray for Dave & Judy Zesiger and their family as they work through this. May God be with them, guiding them and comforting them.

Quote for me.

Where there is humility, there is no depression. An egotist is vexed at the slightest thing.

-Wounded By Love: The Life and the Wisdom of Elder Porphyrios

We are in Minnesota

It's almost surreal how quickly things moved forward and we ended up in Minnesota. I haven't stepped foot in this state in 6 years and that was just for a funeral. It's been 7 years since we've been here, all of us, for fun and visiting.
Last Thursday I got word that my dad had a pretty severe heart attack and that is what got the ball rolling. He had a stent put in and was home pretty quickly but he has quite a bit of recovery and there is yet another artery that needs attention and they are talking a possible bypass which is pretty serious. So I got to thinking about time and life and all that and how it has been far too long since I've seen so many of my beautiful family and friends and realized I needed to try and come. So here I am. Everything fell into place so nicely that I just know I made the right decision.
My mother-in-law loaned us her car since it was more reliable and gets way better gas mileage. So we loaded up suitcases and books on tape and food and headed east. The kids drove me crazy of course as we were packed in a fairly small car with the 3 youngest in the back. But we made it on Wednesday by noon. Yesterday we went out to see grandpa Dave at the lake. Here are the kids having a blast. It was nice to see my dad, he is still very weak and tired and needs lots of rest! Please pray for his health and salvation. I hope to see him a few more times before leaving for WA (we are staying at my moms).

Susan, Susan...my how your children grow....

Kelsey Anna on the last day of monastery camp, she is 13 1/2! She LOVES this camp and this was her 6th year I believe and her last. They announced that they would no longer be holding camp here at St. John the Forerunner monastery in Goldendale. There were lots of tears! She has a love and appreciation for the monastic life that is beautiful and her years at camp have grown her love of Orthodoxy deeply. She loves her faith and above all God! In fact her email address starts out with "iloveorthodoxy....."
She picked up her first book at 9 months old and hasn't put it down. Constantly reading she is growing faster than I care to admit. She recently devoured a series we found recommended in "Well-Trained Mind" which covered every old fashioned fairy tale imaginable, "Andrew Lang's Fairy Books". Well, now that I looked on wiki I don't think she's read them all. But close. As I walked out the door this morning I saw her with a stack of National Geographic.

Charissa just turned 11! wow! Vibrant and full of energy and I am desperately trying to learn and seek God's guidance on how to channel it in the right direction. You know the saying about red heads? It's true! Lord have mercy on me as I learn to guide this bundle of determination. She loves, loves, loves God's creation and loves to create just about anything herself. I need to stop being so selfish and find things for her to create!

Nicholas is 9 1/2 and within 5 months will be a double digit!
He is such a cuddly, handsome little man who desperately wants to be a man. He is growing so fast and I am trying to teach him the gentlemanly way of doing things.
Nicholas loves to cook! He will make breakfast of eggs and toast for everyone and his favorite lunch to make is fried tortillas with cheese. And boy are they good!

Last but not least in any way, shape or form, we have Joseph. My baby!
He will be 8 tomorrow and is so excited about his birthday!!! But at the same time he's discovered he's not so sure he wants to grow up and has crawled up into my lap with tears in his eyes to tell me he just wants to stay little. He was a gift from God in every way, if you know his story you know this to be true. I cannot wait to see what wonderful thing God has in mind for this very sensitive and loving little guy. He loves to love people and makes quick friends with everyone he meets!



Thank you, Lord, for these little angels you have given me. You have entrusted me with them. To teach and mold them in the way they should go. I pray for a renewed vigor to nurture and love them so that they may see You in me. Guide me and give me wisdom in all my interactions with them. Give sweetness to my words, pushing any harshness away so that their ears will only hear the love of You through me. Protect them as they grow independent and seek to be on their own more and more each growing year. Protect them and guide them where I cannot be or where I fail to be. Thank you for each of them and now be with me for even though You've given them to me, I cannot do a single thing without You.
Amen

Prayer Requests

1. My mom isn't well. She's had a deep cough for about a month now and nothing seems to be helping it. They did a CT Scan last week and she found out yesterday that it is clear, Glory to God. But she is still hacking and is frustrated not knowing what is going on. She does have asthma and so it could be that the allergies are really bad and effecting her a great deal. She's never had testing done. Please pray for healing and answers.

2. James is looking for a new job. His current job, which he has had for 15 years and he really likes, isn't willing to work with him on some issues and so he is having to take an 8% cut in pay and we just cannot afford this. I'm picking up odd jobs here and there to help out (which is stressful as well) and hopefully these will carry us through until he finds something new. He's put out his resume to several different places and I pray something will come up soon. God is Good and He has undoubtedly taken care of us over the years and I trust He will continue.

3. That God will make it clear to me how to fit everything into my day. I struggle so much with making a schedule work, sticking to a plan and it really is frustrating to me. It is so apparent that it is needed for me and my kids. But I don't know why I can't stick with a plan. I have all these ideas about how I'd love my day to go but it never goes that way, mostly due to me not sticking with the plan.

Thank you so much for prayers and for your faithfulness in reading this little itty bitty glimpse of my world.

The Best Mother's Day Ever

I want to thank my family for the best Mother's Day ever! We started the day with our dear parish family celebrating how we celebrate each and every Sunday. After an hour or two of fellowship we headed home with a sun-filled afternoon and evening ahead of us.

After changing into my “play” clothes the kids and James presented me with a beautiful lilac to plant out front. I love lilac! It is my favorite scent and from childhood. At each of our homes we've had (this is our third) I've planted a lilac but I haven't planted one here yet and we've been here for 3 years now.

So now I have a lilac. I was also given the gift, from James, that he will be starting a batch of strawberry wine for me. We'd like to start making our own and he thought this was the perfect opportunity to do that. So it is now fermenting.

After that I spent the whole afternoon doing what I love to do, tend the garden. I weeded and planted and weeded some more. There is something about weeding that is very calming for me, very therapeutic. If I could weed a little everyday I'd probably be a saner a person. :) And now that I'm not attached to the "time leech" as often I have far more time for this therapeutic activity.

Before the end of the day I figured out where I want to put my new lilac. I want to be able to see it from the house, and smell it as well. So I decided to rip up all the snowberry bush from the front bed near the driveway and put it there. This is an incredible job because it turns out snowberry bushes ( which have no real usefulness since their berries are poisonous and they don't even have a show of flowers-why would you plant this on purpose?) are extremely invasive with their roots. When we moved in 3 years ago there was one little bush and it has grown into 3 separate bushes via root sprawl. Plus there are tiny little shoots all over the place. So I spent the evening slowly digging up this bush. I got the main bush out and another side bush before going in for the evening and watching a movie with my family while enjoying a cold, crisp glass of Silverlake Reisling.

It was a fabulous day. Thank you my beautiful children and husband for a wonderful day. Thank you God for blessing me so richly and for the added blessing of sunshine!

Here is a series of pictures I took Sunday morning of the kids. I wanted just one of the 4 of them, but they got really silly. Some of the silly shots are awesome.

From left to right: Charissa ( 11 in July), Nicholas (9 1/2), Joseph (8 in July) and Kelsey Anna (13).

Nicholas is definitely the clown of the family. He'd definitely have the title of class clown if he were in public school.

Here they are again being funny.

I LOVE THIS PICTURE!!!! These are the two middle ones and they are only 17 months apart. These are the two that, most of time, would rather the other didn't exist. I saw this picture and was in awe at how much they look EXACTLY alike!! Wow! And look they are smiling and have their arms around each other.

This picture wasn't taken on Mother's Day, but last night. Last night Joseph lost his top front tooth...FINALLY!!! The other one fell out nearly a year ago and the adult tooth is well in place already. We thought the dentist was going to need to pull it. But it just wasn't ready. The orthodontist said, "Wait, it's not ready, it'll come out when it's ready." Yes, Joseph sees the orthodontist already because he has had teeth fall out and has no room for the new ones to come in such as that big one on top on the right...it is filling the spot of 2 teeth. But we soon found out that Joseph has 4 adult teeth that are missing from the x-ray and don't seem to be anywhere in sight. I think it is God's way of making room in his mouth the natural way. :)

Sunday of the Paralytic

Yesterday was when we remember the Gospel story about the paralytic that Jesus heals.
The Kontakian (hymn) that we sang left a pretty good impression on me.
I just love the words.

By Your divine intercession, O Lord,
as You raised up the Paralytic of old,
so raise me up my soul, paralyzed by sins and thoughtless acts;
so that being saved I may sing to You:
Glory to Your power, O compassionate Christ!

Sung in Tone 3

Happy Anniversary!

16 years ago today, I married my sweetheart! I love you, James!

Leaving on a jet plane...

...returning in 12 days!
The girls, my 2 beautiful daughters and I head out today for an adventure. We head to LA area to visit wonderful friends and see family I haven't seen in 20 years.
Then we head to St. Paisius Monastery in Safford, Az for a week long pilgrimage.

I'll take lots of pics and post about it when I return.

Quote from Abbot Tryphon

The Kingdom of Heaven, is within! With all the noise of constant radio and TV, to say nothing of the internet, most people today give no thought, whatsoever, to the inner life. Without silence, God is not heard, and the heart grows cold.

Abbot Tryphon